I am a 50-year-old gay male living with HIV for 30 years. I want to share my journey of positive change with you.
I was 16 when I started to have wet dreams about other men. That is how I knew I had feelings for men at that time. Even though I had feelings, I was not sure. I was working as a cashier at a grocery store when a handsome young man approached me. He was looking for something and I helped him. He started a conversation and started asking me personal questions. At first, I was nervous but we exchanged numbers so he called me the next day and we talked about everything except sex.
We decided to hang out. The first time we hung out together we went to the movies and all he talked about was his girlfriend but I knew in my mind he wanted to talk about other things. I asked him what it was about me that he liked and why he wanted to be my friend. He said that I was good looking and it seemed like I had a good heart.
After the date, we did not speak for about two weeks. As time went by, he called and asked me to come hang out at his parents’ house, because we would have some privacy.
I arrived and we smoked weed and drank alcohol. Later on, we started to wrestle. We both started to get aroused. He then proceeded to take my pants off and gave me a blowjob. It felt good but I was nervous. I asked him nicely to stop. I realized the time and told him I had to go home.
About a month or two went by and he started to visit me at my High School. He surprised me with pizza at lunchtime and told me to give him a call because he wanted to hang out again. That made me feel happy, and I was impressed that he wanted to continue to see me. I enjoyed the sexual encounter so I decided to meet him again. This time we went all the way but unfortunately, his mother caught us, and she made me leave.
We did not speak for a very long time. Then we hung out a couple of more times and we then parted ways after I found out he was getting married to a girl.
After that relationship, I started to branch out more and head into New York City because I heard it was gay friendly. I met a person there and he showed me the ropes. We frequented the parks, the peep shows and gay clubs. The unprotected sex I was having I enjoyed. It made me feel free. I enjoyed it so much that I could not get enough of it. I felt I was spiraling out of control but it didn’t faze me because I was having the time of my life.
A couple of weeks later my friend called me up and told me I needed to be screened for STDs. It turned out that I did not have any STDs.
Time went by and I started not to feel so well. I decided to get checked at the hospital. That is when I found out I was HIV positive. I was shocked and I was in denial for a very long time. I started to feel worse and decided to start taking medication to help. It took a couple of years for the medicine to work. I felt like I was going on a downward spiral.
I wanted to grow old. I knew I needed to make some changes right away. After I started to feel better, I moved to New York City and found programs to help people with HIV. I enrolled in some programs and was happy to find out I was not alone. I got help from total strangers that made me want to give back and do the same.
I found Alliance for Positive Change. I enrolled as a program participant and took advantage of the services that they had to offer. It was there I became a Peer intern and was finally able to help others who are HIV positive like myself.